Madness Plagues the X-Mansion
by Mr. BramStoker
Summary: Same old X-Men, same old place… whole new degrees of hilarity. And everyone else thought insanity was crazy.


**Madness Plagues the X-Mansion**

**I do not own X-Men Evolution or Beavis and Butt-Head.**

"HEY! Who's the wise guy that ate all my hot fudge sundae pop tarts?" Bobby shrieked in irate fury in the kitchen

"What's all the hubbub, bub?" Logan belched, drinking his umpteenth flask of liquor. "Some wise acre made off with the candy, the cotton candy, the jelly beans, the Peeps, and all the chocolate bunnies!" Madame Hydra squealed, her eyeliner make-up fading

"Gee, Sheila, you look like a raccoon there with your makeup and all." Pyro joked, Madame Hydra growling in fury. "Why you little…" Madame Hydra snarled, strangling the pyromaniac by the neck, Pyro's eyes bulging out of his sockets

"D'oh! Somebody took all the seven ounce ginger ale containers!" Scott gasped before a loud belching noise occurred. Standing right before the X-Heroes was Jean, gibbering nonsense, with her sweater top raised over her head, and a crazed, animalistic look on her face.

"Oh god…" Madame Hydra moaned, as she searched for her tranquilizer gun. "I need TP for my bunghole, for I have no bunghole." Jean gibbered, cackling maniacally. Logan absorbed this before bursting into raucous laughter, rolling on the floor.

"WHAT'S SO **BLEEPING** FUNNY?!" Sabretooth roared, disgusted by Logan's twisted sense of humor. "Jean's impersonating Beavis when he's on too much sugar. Like the cartoon." Pyro added

"Oh no… Scott, you moron, I told you not to buy Jean the complete series of Beavis and Butt-Head but **nooo, **you went on and **DID IT ANYWAY!**" Logan screamed insanely

"Logan please, calm down. You're scaring the twins." Madame Hydra replied, her twin daughters cowering behind her.

"oh pfft. Why do these little rodents need to not hear man talk? They're turning into sissies! That what you want, Hydra?! You and Ice Cube boy want your little ponies to turn into pansies?" Logan barked crazily

"Um…" Jean tried to speak before she got struck with a tranquilizer dart. "nighty night" Jean yawned, dropping to the floor, loudly snoring.

"I swear to god Bobby, you got to stop your wife from coddling your kids! I swear shorty, yo getting on my last- LANCE TURN THAT **BLEEPING BLEEP OF BLEEP** RAP MUSIC OFF BEFORE I TAKE IT AND SHOVE IT UP YOUR **BLEEPETY BLEEP**" Logan roared

"Thank you, FCC for censoring those Logan-induced rants." Scott deadpanned, as he stroked Jean's red hair while she slept from the effects of the dart

"Now wait a minute, why did we make this story about Jean having a sugar rush? We could do one about Plymouth Rock, or the Great Depression, or even Abe Lincoln!" Pietro objected

"How 'bout we do one where you shut up before I stick this pillow into your **bleeping** mouth." Sabretooth threatened

"Victor! Not in front of the kids!" Bobby hissed, covering his daughters' ears. "Mommy, what's wrong with Auntie Jean?" Hope asked, Madame Hydra fretting on how to explain her sister's frequent insanity problems to her innocent child.

"Well, you see sweetie, Auntie Jean isn't feeling well now, so she's sleeping right now. Now didn't your daddy say he was going to talk to you and your sister about the birds and the bees?" Madame Hydra asked, glaring at her dumbfounded husband

"Honey, I said I would, it was just one thing at a time!" Bobby fretted. "Oh sure, you gave me that excuse so you could go to the booze hole and get drunk again!" Madame Hydra retorted

"WHAT? Introduce the whole intercourse thing to your pre-k daughters? That's the most craziest example of parenting I've ever heard!" Logan griped

"Oh honestly, you just don't know me better enough! Well, I've got news for you pal, I'm a married woman, and if my little girls wanna know how they get lucky with men, then by golly, I'm gonna do it!" Madame Hydra retorted, spitting spit onto Logan's face

"ooh… my head… wha? What in the… is this… Heaven?" Jean mumbled, coming to from her little prolonged snooze.

"How to explain this, um… **no**." Victor grumbled in the most deadpan expression. "gee, you really should get a comedian job for that deadpan snarking of yours." Jean remarked

"Now… what was it that happened at the beginning of this story?" Lorna asked, everyone winding the clock back in their minds…

"Nah. It was just another mishap my idiot husband made when he and Mr. Burn it up over here tried to fix Hope and Lyla's tire swing" Madame Hydra remarked, giving Pyro and Bobby a look before an unceremonious crash occurred

"OW! That is the last time I ask Gumbo to do something when he's on cocaine!" Evan hollered, limping on his left leg, while a gibbering, eye-twitching and slobbering Gambit slithered behind him.

"what did y'all do this time?" Rogue deadpanned. "well, your moron husband tried to fix my great great grandfather's monogram radio, when the wiring gave out and it electrified my leg." Evan recalled

"Ouch. That looks like it sure stung." Jean agreed, as she examined Evan's burnt half of his leg.

"Now Evan, if only you gone and done what I said 'bout that rat that's been chewin' on them wires, then we wouldn't be havin' this lil' hootenanny." Remy responded, Evan rolling his eyes

"Oh good grief, I cant believe this! First Red goes bananas after she gets hopped up on sugar, then Popsicle Boy's kids start wonderin' about how the bee gets the honey from the nectar, now all of a sudden Gumbo for brains and mr. Camera Nerd man over here cause yet another doom it yourself problem! What's next, a piano falling out of the sky and crushing Senator Kelly?" Logan snapped, defying the law of nature; never, ever, **EVER** tempt fate for fate has a twisted sense of humor.

"INCOMING!" Scott called from above as a huge grand piano flattened Kelly's car, causing it to explode. "AAAAARRRGGGG!" Kelly screamed, spouting insane gibberish as two men in white suits carted him off to the Bayville Institute for the Mentally Insane Loonies

"Geez, that dude needs to get himself laid and pronto." Jean exhaled, disgusted by Senator Kelly's overly effeminate sense of manhood. "You said it redhead. Now that's a great idea! Maybe if we hire a whore to lay her mojo on that pompous redneck windbag, maybe he'll rethink his thoughts on mutants and he'll start praising us more often!" Scott suggested, Logan scoffing.

"Oh yeah right! That's the dumbest idea I've ever heard! Besides, only a real lamebrain moron would do such a stupid thing." Logan snarled, before Tabitha raised her hand. "Et tu, Tabitha?" Logan growled irately.

"I'll let you know I've been taking prostitution classes ever since Jean here sold all my British heirlooms so she and Scott can manage their nudie bar down the street!" Tabitha exclaimed, everyone staring at Scott and Jean.

"Um… Tabby, we were supposed to ixnay on the amscray, comprende?" Jean asked, snarling before barking wildly.

"Oh for God's sake, Madame Hydra, just shut her up with a tranq dart and let's try to wrap up this crazy story before I decide to jump off a cliff!" Logan exhaled in fury.

"No can do, mister. My gun's out of darts." Madame Hydra replied, Logan slapping his forehead. "Grrr… oh alright, Tabitha. Go do your silly hootchie cootchie thing and be done with it. But, on one condition…" Logan reminded

"Uh-oh…" both Scott and Jean moaned, knowing what's coming. "If you bozos win in getting that mutant hating, bible thumping sumbitch laid, you guys can have a few shots at my beer fridge." Logan proposed.

"YES! Hey everybody, we're all gonna get drunk tonight!" Jean hollered, her fraternity and sorority members whooping wildly

"Hold it right there, missy! If **I** win, and you wackos fail… you'll have to mop up all the slime and ooze in my bike garage. I haven't had a chance to clean it because of your shenanigans, and the place is a bleedin' mess!" Logan griped

"Dude, have you ever considered seeking an anger management counsel? And if you do, can I get Jack Nicholson's autograph?" Lance asked stupidly. "That's the movie, you idiot!" Rogue snarled, slapping him up the head.

One scene later…

"ugh, I need a whore so badly. My car's ruined for the fifteenth time, my IRS agents are gnawing and pawing away at my funds, my ass is sore as hell and my idiot son has gotten himself arrested for exposing himself at the church again!" Kelly moaned in disgust before Tabitha entered, wearing a large and crudely designed buxom spandex outfit, with enlarged breasts, and a chastity belt attached to her lower thing.

"My lower what?" Tabitha asked sharply. Look, I had to censor it, what did you want me to do? Tell the readers the time you took naked pictures of yourself for money so you could afford that cruise to Mykonos for your LGBT party?

"NO!" Tabitha squealed fearfully, her eyes shrinking. Then get your butt in character, and get that old geezer laid for Christ's sake! I'm a very busy author; I don't have all bloody afternoon

"Ok, ok, geez." Tabitha huffed, entering Kelly's room where the disgruntled curmudgeon was reading the Book of Mormon naked. "Oh god, I can see his junk! That does it, I'm outta here!" Tabitha choked, about to vomit. HEY! C'mon Tabby, you want to get laid and boozed up at Scott and Jean's hooch party, do you? 

"well I've known the two for a very, very **LONG** time, and I really do enjoy having wild erotic sex, so… yes." Tabitha answered

Good! Now do it before Mr. Grouchy Canadian tries to end the story

"HEY! I heard that you son of a **BLEEP**" Logan spat, only for a censored tab to come over him.

"*Thank* you. God, I cant stand his loud mouth. It really upsets my boobies." Tabitha admitted, understanding my omnipotence as a writer.

"so… you looking for a whore?" Tabitha asked sexily, Kelly's eyes bulging out of his sockets. "uh… yes, um who… vagina… who are… wanna fuck you so bad, no no, who are you?" Kelly babbled excitedly, his dong enlarging.

"The name's Hot Tabby. I get my customers heated up like a hot summer day and then I make 'em my personal sex things. So… you really wanna play on my vajinny jin jib?" Tabitha proposed, revealing her large breasts. Kelly's lude, crude and just plain nude grin widened fiendishly as he lustfully imagined the sickening, dirty, perverted, scandalous things he'd do that'll ruin his career as Senator and have him labeled as an a-1 pervert.

One sex scene later…

"gee, it's been a while since Tabitha left. You think she did it?" Scott asked as Jean, Lorna and Emma watched from the windows of Kelly's mansion.

"please hurry up. You're crushing my spine." Logan complained, Jean smacking him with her leg.

"Shut up and go higher! I can barely see anything!" Jean hissed before a loud explosion rocketed the mansion.

"WOOOOHOOOOO! Light the fuses, BITCHES! I'ma gonna set fire on every mutant hating **BLEEPING BLEEP** in this whole **bleepety bleep bleep**!" Kelly rambled, driving off on his burning roadster before colliding with a ongoing herd of cattle.

"Oh crap…" Jean moaned, covering her ears to avoid hearing the painful noise.

"aw Kelly… not the livestock." Scott moaned in disgust

"Ok guys, I did it. I can tell that sourpuss pansy wont be chasing our asses with an eviction notice any time soon." Tabitha announced

"so… you finally did it, eh? You managed to lather your loofah so hot and tight, that you easily shattered Kelly's brains out and now… OHMYGOD HE'S DRIVING THIS WAY!" Logan shrieked, everyone diving for cover.

**BA-BOOOMMMMM**

"well… so much for the looting the mansion part of the idea, huh?" Jean asked as a burnt limb landed on her. Jean simply shrugged it off and ate it like it was a slim jim.

"so… now what do we do?" Logan wondered, amazed by the bizarre turning of events this story has now taken.

"You guys, uh… wanna go hang out at the nudie bar?" Jean offered. There was a brief pause.

"eh, why not? The night is young, everyone's praising all that good old timey hippie crap, and we deserve some ice cold booze and some boobies!" Scott replied


End file.
